How "Charlie Bone & the Red Knight" is NOT going to end!

Jenny Nimmo

Cover of Jenny Nimmo

The following incident takes place towards the end of the book…

Charlie: (standing at a wall, facing all kinds of villains) So, you thought you can just take over the world and terrorize people! Well, I have news for you! The kind of stuff that you are doing is illegal in the state of California, where Ah-nuld Schwartzen-whatever-his-name-is is the governator! But there is no governator here, godd’arvit! (to villains) You have five seconds to call off this crappy excuse for a war or else I’ll be giving you the good old traditional butt-whooping! (he glares at the villains. no one is moved)

Lysander: I don’t think they care, Charlie.

Shadow: I bid thee all welcome to our victory party! And who is zat? Is daire eenyoon wif auforitee to tweet wif me?

Paton: We do not come to treat with you, you horrible shadowmaster! You are indeed faithless and accursed!

Shadow: Ahhhh, Paton Yewbeam! I thumb my nose at you…you and your pathetic knnnnnnnnnnniggits! (sticks out his tongue at them and bows a raspberry)

Charlie: (is horrified) He can’t talk to you that way, Uncle Paton! He has no clout!

Tancred: Charlie?!

Shadow: Little Charlie Bone, isn’t it? I fart in your general direction!

Emma: How dare you insult him, you Flaming son of a screaming scallywag-hating centipede!

Paton: That’s enough, Emma. (to the Shadow) We have outwitted you a second time, You sons of a bleeding goblin-minded serpent! Your stupidity has cost you the thing that is not yours that you seek! Hah!

Robbie: What he means to say is you’ve all been had! I put in my own insult as well…How dare you stain this city with your very presence! I command you, in the name of the Red King, to leave this place and never return or else I shall burn your houses and steal all your jellybeans!

Paton: Robbie, I don’t think that was called for. (just then, Louise starts throwing snails at the bad guys)

Louise: I throw snails at you, you wicked evildoing sons of a filthy platypus-headed wombat! I laugh at your ridiculous-looking shadow like armor, which is no more than fit for a donkey-eating mouse! I slap your Jonas Brothers-loving daughters, you Unholy children of a wacky anaconda-brained wombat! Now back off, or I will mock you a second time! (The kids all laugh at the Shadow and his allies, who are all clearly insulted)

Paton: (having enough of this nonsense) That is quite enough!

Gabriel: Why are we doing this again?

Paton: Because we want the Shadow to be reasonable, to call off this war, and to stop being bad! This is a children’s story, mind you!

Villain: Haha! Eot takes moare fhan anger to mayg a magician! Your mother was a platypus and your father smelled like flappleberries!

Paton: (gets mad and breaks the guy’s lantern, which burns him) Don’t you dare insult my parents, you Unholy son of a festering anaconda-minded trogg!

Charlie: Well, I guess this concludes the taunt scene.

***meanwhile***

Asa: (hiding in the shadows) Now, we shall reveal to the audience the secret plan that Jenny Nimmo had hidden up her sleeve!

Christina Campbell: How did you know?

Owen Jones: Duh, EVERYONE knew of her secret plan! Have you been living under a rock?

Christina: No, I haven’t. So what’s the big plan, Asa?

Asa: I possess…the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! (holds up jeweled hand grenade)

Owen: What do we do with it?

Asa: I know! We blow up the evil statues that have cropped up in the city!

Christina: (reading instructions) “the user should count to 10 then hurl the hand grenade at the object they wish to destroy. The number shall be 10 and only 10, no more than 10 and no less than 10…” Ok, that’s kind of redundant. But anyway, let’s begin!

Owen: Right!

Asa: (aiming hand grenade at statues) Here we go…1…2…

Owen: …5…uh, what comes after 5?

Christina: 10! Now! (Asa throws the hand grenade, which destroys the statues and they explode in ultra-cool SFX)

***back at the battle scene***

Charlie: For the last time, call off this silly conflict! Don’t make me get ugly about it…(just then, a pink chicken thrown by a villain hits him in his face) Right! That settles it! (he and the others quickly band together. Just then, Addie Caldwell, Trenton Chattenberg, Trevor Chatternberg, Jenner Du Bois, Maurice Du Bios, Alyssa DeRagonez, David Evans, Felix Evans, Marie Louise Evans, Matilda (Molly) Evans, Robert (Robbie Lee) Evans, Derrick Jamison, Suzella Schmitt, Michael Shawson, Cara Campbell, Chandra Campbell, Carissa Ann Campbell, Crystal Campbell, Conrad Campbell, John Albertson, Meruvah Calvinian, Dakota Jones, Ginger Jones, Jacinth Kastianopolis, Nicolas Kastianopolis, Tabitha Loom, Nitalio Lucas, Roland Maddaux, Olivia “Paige” Pettigrew, Princeton Pettigrew, Dorian Quincy, Jennifer Ravencraft, Sarah Ravencraft, William Ravencraft, Stuart Robinson, Zoey Thorpe, Maxwell Ruderford, Joseph Ruderford, Fiona Ruderford, Madelyn Ruderford, Jason Ruderford, Taylor Bauer, Heather Homam, Elise Jones, and Alina Jones all show up)

Olivia: What? I had to call on a few friends. We can’t beat them by ourselves!

Tancred: Of course!

Lysander: What do we do next, Charlie?

Charlie: I know; give them all a good scare! We good endowed are tired of standing by while the bad endowed do bad things! We want them to stop being bad, right guys?

Kids: Right!

Charlie: And we’re gonna do whatever it takes to make them stop being bad, right guys?

Kids: Right!

Charlie: And there we have it! (to villains) Listen up, you monsters: Today you will all pay a huge price for your rather wicked lifestyle. In the name of the Red King, we shall not stop this fight until each one of you gets what you deserve and we have restored the city to its good foundations! (just then, the explosion from earlier in the story is seen)

Shadow: Those brats have gone too far now! CHARGE!!!! (villains rushed towards the good endowed. Just then, sirens ring and scores of police cars pull into the field right in front of the villains. Many curious people are there and cameras and news reporters are everywhere. Several cops rush out and apprehend the villains.)

Police officer: Right, you scoundrels! Stop it! You are all under arrest for disturbing the peace of our city! Now come quietly, don’t make me use force! (the police round up all the villains and take them away.)

Charlie: I don’t believe it!

Gabriel: I did *NOT* see that coming!

Emma: Neither did I! (police cars, after being filled with the bad endowed, drive off. A kid with a bad haircut shows up)

Kid with a bad haircut: All right, clear out! Show’s over! (people disperse)

Charlie: What do we do now?

Paton: I don’t know.

Fidelio: Look who I found with a cell phone!

All: MANFRED?!

Manfred: All right, all right! So I decided to redeem myself like Zuko did and call the police! Don’t get too excited! Geez!

Olivia: I guess Jenny Nimmo liked that scene where…

Charlie: OLIVIA!!

Olivia: What? OK, so I told her you gave Manfred a hug! Who cares?

Lysander: Hmmm, what are we gonna do next?

Charlie: Call it “the end“, I guess.

Paton: Sounds good.

(The words THE END appear onscreen. the allies go back to Bloor’s and clean up the school. Then everyone goes and rescues Billy and burns the painting. Then they all go home and live happily ever after.)

Charlie: (curls up in bed with Manfred) Aren’t you glad that the story didn’t have a Deathly Hallows-like ending, Manfred?

Manfred: Shut up, Charlie.

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One Comment

  1. That made my day, its kind of random at the end. but its the best ending i heard. no let me say tat, the funniest ending the world has seen!!!!!<3 LUV IT!!!!!!!!!:)

    Reply

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