(Many years before…)
Ezekiel: Hey Henry, wanna play puzzles?
Henry: Nah. Puzzles are for girls. I’m playing marbles instead.
James: Yeah, Zeke. You’re just a boring old bloke!
Ezekiel: You’re so mean, Henry! I’m gonna make you pay for that! In cash, or debit!
Charlie: Man it’s cold outside!
All: How cold is it?
Grizelda: So cold the picture of my father’s family fell and broke.
Charlie: Yay! (snatches picture and looks at it)
Little Girl: Mommy, Henry’s making faces again!
Mother: Behave yourself, Henry.
Henry: But mother, father’s doing it too!
James: Yeah it’s fun!
Grizelda: What did you hear, Charlie?
Charlie: Hey, grandma, did you that there’s a new thing that’s sweeping the country? It’s called MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!!! You should try it!!
(in Ezekiel’s office)
Billy: Hey Ezekiel, your cousin’s here. Can I have some chocolate? Ezekiel: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! Oh no! Not my annoying cousin Henry!!! No!! Billy: (grabbing chocolate bars) What did he do?
Ezekiel: He humiliated me!
Billy: Like how Charlie and I rickroll’d Manfred last year?
Ezekiel: Worse than that!!
Billy: You’re weird!
(in the cafeteria)
Olivia: No way! You mean to say your cousin…time-travelled?
Fidelio: But think about how much the time-space continuum thingie would be destroyed! Charlie: Yeah…about that.
Billy: (shouting through a megaphone) ATTENTION EVERYONE: EZEKIEL FAINTED LAST NIGHT, SO CHOCOLATE BARS FOR EVERYONE!!! (pulls lever and chocolate bars fall on everyone’s heads)
Students: YAY!! (they all rush out and grab chocolate)
Manfred: Ok, act civilized, and remember: EVERYONE gets a chocolate bar! (snatches one from Asa) Man I love my job!
Asa: Same here. We get to throw out chocolate bars at random.
(Henry in the freezer)
Henry: Goodbye, Charlie, and thanks for the chocolate! See you later!
Charlie: WAIT! I know of a better place for you to stay!
Charlie: (knocking at Cook’s door) Uh, Cook? Sorry to bother you, but can Henry stay here for a while?
Cook: Of course.
(the glove incident)
Tancred: I DON’T FREAKING CARE WHO DID IT, BUT I WON’T BE COMING BACK HERE UNTIL THAT DAMNED SPIDER POSTER IS OFF THE WALL AND INTO THE TRASH BIN, WHERE IT BELONGS!!! (he leaves in a huff. a black glove is spotted)
Gabriel: Oh boy! Exactly my size! (he slips it on and it crushes his hand) YAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! *censored words* MY HAND!!!!
Dr. Bloor: Manfred William Vivian Bloor, you’re grounded until that glove comes off his hand!
Manfred: But daaad…
Dr. Bloor: I will have none of that, young man! Now get the glove off his hand or his parents will sue me!
(Meeting Mrs. Bloor)
Gabriel: (continues to whine about his hand being stuck in the cursed glove)
Charlie: Oh do cheer the hell up, fishface! (Gabriel slaps him) We’re almost there!
Cook: (comes out of her room) Oh dear, what happened here?
Gabriel: I saw this nice glove and I went to put it on, but it crushed my hand! (lets out a string of expletives)
Cook: That’s enough, young man! Dorothy, I think someone found your lost glove!
Charlie: And Manfred got grounded.
Dorothy: I heard him complain about it. Now, who has my glove? (she takes the glove off Gabriel’s hand)
Gabriel: Thanks a lot!
Charlie: But why are you here?
Dorothy: It’s a long story…
(a stormy moment)
Manfred: (aged 8) But mommy, don’t leave me!
Dorothy: Manny, it’ll only be for a few months. I’ll be back real soon, ok?
Dr. Bloor: You best be careful out there, Dorothy. Paris is a dangerous place.
Dorothy: Don’t worry, Harold. I’ll be careful…(just then a door slams on her hand and it gets caught) AAAAAHHHHHH MY HAND!!!
Dr. Bloor: DOROTHY!!!!
Dorothy: But the worst part had yet to come…
Ezekiel: There you go. Now your hand will be all better and then you can play music once again. (Dorothy screams her head off when she sees her shriveled hand) Ooooops, I mean to put in three slug tails instead of just two. Now she’ll never play again and Harold’s gonna get mad at me!
Dorothy: Well, that’s the story. So as far as I’m concerned, Ezekiel has never forgiven himself for the mistake that cost me my playing hand.
Charlie: I always knew he was a mean old man, but even then that mistake was a bit…inexcusable.
Dorothy: I know. I fight with him when he says he can fix my hand. Because he’ll only make things worse.
Grizelda: So I heard Henry Yewbeam has showed up.
Maisie: Grizelda! Charlie’s got an over-active imagination! That’s what happens when he gets sent to a horrible school run by a mean old man!
Grizelda: No, I mean it, Maisie! My father never told me he had a brother.
Charlie: But why?
Grizelda: Because every time my sisters or I wanted to talk to him about Henry, my dad would shut down and ignore us unless we changed the subject.
Benjamin: (to Charlie) Well, there goes our trip to the Thunder House.
Charlie: Hey Uncle Paton, can you drive me to the Thunder House?
Paton: Well I would, but I only go outside at night and I don’t think your grandmothers would forgive me if I took you out past your bedtime.
(Henry at Bloor’s)
Henry: I’m so bored I want to scream! (he sees Weedon fighting with a poster)
Weedon: The nerve of that kid, hanging that poster up there; they should have given him detention! (sees Henry) What are you doing here?
Henry: I was just going for a walk, sir.
Weedon: Go back to where you came from and let me work.
Henry: Awww man!
Olivia: (noticing Henry) You’re Henry Yewbeam, aren’t you?
Olivia: Let’s get you outta here before Manfred finds you.
Olivia: Manfred is a jerk who will hurt you. Now let’s go!
(Charlie finds a painting)
Grizelda: You better watch your back, Charlie.
Lucretia: Yes, Charlie. Bad things happen to little boys who aren’t careful.
Charlie: Safety is for sissies! I walk on the edge! I like to flirt with…DANGER!
Venetia: Charlie…you wouldn’t dare! You don’t know what Ezekiel will do to you if he finds out that you’ve been in contact with Henry Yewbeam!
Charlie: You know about him too?
Paton: CHARLIE BONE, QUIT GOSSIPING WITH THOSE WITCHES AND GET IN HERE NOW!!!
Charlie: Sure. What did you want with me?
Paton: Two things: #1, if I get distracted, I don’t have as many accidents. Like watch this! (he switches on a light bulb and reads a book. the bulb doesn’t explode) Ta-da!
Paton: And #2, don’t touch anything my sisters give you…too dangerous.
Paton: We don’t want anything happening to you, of course!
(The Pet’s Cafe)
Charlie: Such an odd place for a restaurant, don’t you think?
Gabriel: Well, this is a place where you can take your pets.
Norton: Pet, kids? I keep ‘em, you take ‘em!
Gabriel: Well, I have three hamsters and three people.
Benjamin: Wait! I’m coming too!
Norton: Right this way then, gentlemen.
Charlie: Uh, Mom, the aunts left a painting for me.
Amy: Whatever you do, DON’T go in it! It’s what they want!
Skarpo: I see you!
(Henry meets Ezekiel)
Henry: Hah! I knew you were still alive and kicking, Zeke! And didn’t I tell you that if you didn’t get out of your chair and get some fresh air, your legs will stop working?
Manfred: Well, great-grandpa, I can’t say you weren’t warned.
Ezekiel: Waaaaahhhhh! Henry Yewbeam! You called me a sissy!
Manfred: Just like when Charlie and Billy rickrolled me?
Ezekiel: No! Being called a sissy was the worst thing that happened to me! He kicked my puzzle to the ground and said, “Come get me, you spoiled brat!” I decided to prank him! And then he came crawling back to taunt me a second time! Not happening!
Henry: Oh please, Zeke! Your mother was a squirrel and your father smelled of cinnamon guts! Hahahahahaha!
Ezekiel: That’s what I mean! Get rid of him NOW!!!
Mr. Pilgrim: Gabriel, can you hold this, please?
Gabriel: Sure. (Mrs. Bloor shows up)
Dorothy: Gabriel, what do you have here?
Gabriel: Don’t look at it!
Dorothy: Of course. It’s too dangerous. May I see it? (she takes the marble from Gabriel)
Paton: I’ll show up at the bookstore and surprise her…(a car runs him down) Hey, watch where you’re going, punk! I’m walking here, I’m walking here, I’m walking here! (mutters to himself) Stupid bastard Matthew McGuire hired someone to run me over, no doubt! He’ll pay for this!!!
Maisie: Did you go see Paton?
Grizelda: No. I’ve been too busy trying to off that Matthew McGuire.
Amy: I can’t believe you! Have you no concern for your own brother?
Grizelda: Are you two trying to insinuate that I don’t love Paton? You are severely mistaken!
Charlie: (in his room) Welsh book, eh? Good. I’m all set then!
(Emma’s secret bird)
Benjamin: A Tollroc?
Emma: Yup. I’ve got a secret weapon. But what I’m going to do with it has yet to be determined.
Charlie: Like what?
Emma: Oh, you’ll see…
Olivia: How’d you get down here?
Henry: A white-haired kid lured me out using a chocolate bar.
Olivia: Uuuuuggggghhhh!!! Stupid Billy Raven, I knew that little demon was up to no good with all those chocolate bars! I’m giving that kid a spanking when I next see him!
Zelda: You’d spank Billy Raven?
Beth: You’re mean, Vertigo! All he wants is a family.
Olivia: So what? He doesn’t deserve a family anyway!
Zelda: That’s it! We’re messing you up! (just then the tollroc is seen) Eeeeeeeeeeeekkkkk!
Beth: Run for it!! (the tollroc snatches them and flies off)
Olivia: (to herself) Was that Emma? No. Seriously! Or was it?
(Charlie encounters Skarpo)
Charlie: I’m going in, everyone!
Olivia, Emma, Lysander, Gabriel, and Fidelio: OK. (Charlie goes into the painting. Skarpo sees him)
Skarpo: And what are you asking for?
Charlie: Can I have something that can…do magic, I guess?
Skarpo: Oh, like this wand here? (spots wand)
Charlie: Yup. Thanks! (he takes the wand and leaves)
Skarpo: Hey, not that wand! That’s a
Harry Potter replica! Get back here!
Tancred: I hope that spider poster is gone.
Mrs. Torsson: Oh, so this is what it’s about, hmmm?
Mr. Torsson: I have half a mind to blow those Bloors into the next country, blast them! And Tancred, just think of a huge tree. The spider is much smaller than the tree. You’ll be safe with the tree around.
Tancred: You’re right! I’m heading back to Bloor’s! They need me back there.
Mr. Torsson: Good answer, Tanc.
(the big plan)
Charlie: I stole the wand from Skarpo. I’ll use it to save Henry.
Paton: Good idea, Charlie. Now, let me teach you the words.
Charlie: Well, looks like the gang’s all here! Ready?
Emma: You guys be careful.
Mr. Onimous: Right this way, you two. (he leads them down a secret passageway) Ok, you get your friend and bring him here. Unless there’s a problem, you bring him here. Got it?Charlie: Got it. C’mon Fidelio!
Henry: Charlie! I’m saved!
Fidelio: Ok, Charlie, you know what to do…(Charlie waves his wand and the rock explodes)
Charlie: Hah! I knew it wasn’t a fake!
Henry: (jumping from his prison) FREEDOM!!!
Dorothy: Time to go, Henry!
Henry: But why? I wanted to scare off old Zeke one more time!
Dorothy: No time, Henry! Let’s go before Manfred tries to stop me a second time!
Henry: And how will you do that?
Dorothy: (uncurling her crippled hand) THIS!!!
Henry: Not the Time Twister!
Dorothy: Goodbye, Henry, and tell Charlie that I know where his father went…(she disappears)
Henry: Where? (the tollroc picks him up)
Manfred: NOOOOOO!!!! MOMMY’S GONE!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Henry: Mama’s boy.
(the trip home)
Henry: I can’t believe after all these years I’m finally going home!
Charlie: Yup. You’ll be safe and Old Ezekiel will never be bothering you again!
Paton: I take it you’re ready?
Charlie: So where are we going?
Paton: You’ll see…
Henry: Hey, Mrs. Bloor said before she disappeared, your father has never left Bloor’s.
Paton: Indeed. We’ll rescue him soon enough, Charlie.
Paton: Dad, I’m home!
James: Good to see you, Paton. How are those sisters of yours?
Paton: Well, they could be better.
James: I see.
Pearl: I’m not Cook, I’m her sister.
Charlie: I thought you looked familiar.
James: Hah! So this must be Charlie!
Charlie: Yeah. Ezekiel told me about you and how you were making fun of him for liking girl things.
James: Does he still?
Pearl: Well I heard last week he was caught wearing Hello Kitty pajamas.
James: (sighs) Some things never change. (notices Henry) Henry, is that you?
Henry: James! (they hug) It’s been forever and a day! I’ll never leave you alone again!
James: Good. I hope you plan to teach me to play marbles!
Pearl: Well, this’ll be good for Henry. He’ll be staying here with us and I hope you plan to visit.
Charlie: Don’t worry, I will.
Paton: Good. Now let’s get you back home or Grizelda will have my head if you’re late once again!
—in the car—
Charlie: You think he’ll be ok here with his brother, you know, being an old man?
Paton: He’ll be just fine!
(Paton’s birthday party)
Grizelda: But I don’t wanna go on a trip!
Paton: I don’t care! It’s my party and I can snub you if I want to! Now OUT!!! (the women leave in a huff) Ok everyone, let’s party!
—very soon, everyone is dancing in the dining room—
Charlie: I wish Dad were here. No wait, I’ll find him and bring him here myself!
Amy: Are you sure, Charlie?
Charlie: You better believe it, Mom!
Amy: Of course! After all we went through regarding Henry, I think anything can happen.
Charlie: Or we’ll all pay for the trouble we caused.
Amy: Yeah, and that too.