Paton: (writes note to Charlie) Dear Charlie, gone on vacation. BE CAREFUL!!!~Uncle Paton. PS, could you please tell Maisie that the nut cakes are for me, NOT her!!!
Lucretia: Oh Grizelda! Guess who’s here?
Grizelda: Hah! She’s here at last! Charlie? (Charlie shows up) This is our niece, Belle Donner.
Charlie: What? I don’t get to meet Bella Swan??? What a freaking rip-off!
Belle: Oh, hello, Charlie. I’ve heard so much about you.
Charlie: But do you have a vampire boyfriend? Or a werewolf who’s your best friend? Nope! Grizelda: Well, we tried to get Bella to come, but she declined at the last minute…blasted scheduling conflicts, she said. Anyway, Belle is here, so tell her all about Bloor’s, ok?
Charlie: Yeah, sure, ok, whatever.
Eustacia: That’s my boy.
Grizelda: Where’s Paton?
Charlie: Went on vacation. He also says nobody touches his nut cakes.
Venetia: Oh did he now? We’ll show him that he has to share with his sisters then!
Charlie: Bye mom, bye Maisie, bye Runner, see you on Friday!
Amy & Maisie: Goodbye Charlie!
Grizelda: Behave yourself, Charles!
Manfred: Attention, everyone: I’m having all of us do a play based on Stephenie Meyer‘s Twilight.
Charlie: Whatever. I’m not in it, so why should I care?
Manfred: Because you’ve already been selected to play the part of Alec, a Volturi guard. That strange girl who’s staring at you will be playing the part of Jane.
Olivia: What does that mean?
Charlie: If I say it, it’ll have to be censored and this is a children’s story.
Manfred: START RECITING YOUR LINES!!!
Emma: (crying) I found this next to Mr. Boldova’s favorite book.
Charlie: What does it say? Note: Dear Sam, watch out, because someone pretending to look like Bella Swan is about to show up and cause trouble. She thinks you’re her Edward, so don’t fall for her tricks. Come home immediately~Mom and Dad.
Emma: Now what?
Mr. Boldova: Uh, I’d like to have that note back, please? And if you can help me find my missing brother, I’ll love you forever for it.
Olivia: You mean your brother got lost? Here?
Emma: Hey, I just remembered something!
All: What is it?
Emma: I’m not Emilia Moon, I’m Emma Tolly!
Manfred: Of course you are. I mean, who did those idiots think they are, placing you with that terrible family? (someone spills soda on Manfred’s Hello Kitty pajamas) Aaarrrgggghhhh!!! You just spilled soda on my Hello Kitty pajamas!
Disembodied voice: Sorry!!!
Manfred: Do that one more time and no jam for a week!
Emma: I wonder if that was really Ollie.
Olivia: Well, it has to be. I mean, would a disembodied person spill soda on Manfred’s Hello Kitty pajamas?
Charlie: Manfred wears Hello Kitty pajamas? He’s worse than Ezekiel!
Emma: Yes, he would. So we should find Ollie.
Charlie: Hello? Anyone there?
Ollie: I hear voices.
Emma: Ollie? We’re here to find you!
Ollie: Hey, aren’t you the girl Manfred yelled at and I spilled soda on Manfred’s Hello Kitty pajamas?
Charlie: Again with the Hello Kitty pajamas?
Ollie: Let’s prank people like they do on Prank-Up!
Manfred: Starting today, if there is any rickrolling, the offending student is getting detention!
Ollie: He didn’t say anything about FACEBOOKING!!! (slaps a book into someone’s face)
Manfred: Charlie Bone and Emma Tolly, DETENTION with Mr. Boldova!
Manfred: And for that, you must wear your Volturi robes over your cape! Now LEAVE!!!
Charlie: We know where your brother is!
Mr. Boldova: Oh, do you now?
Emma: He never left the school.
Mr. Boldova: I see. So shall we meet him for dinner? Oh, wait, we can’t see him, right?Charlie: He’s not a ghost.
Belle: Charlie, why are you wearing your robes?
Charlie: I don’t wanna talk about it.
Belle: But why?
Charlie: Stupid Manfred made me!
Belle: Well, why don’t we talk to Manfred?
Charlie: He’s a jerk! Now shove off!
Belle: Watch it, Charlie! You know not who you deal with!
Grizelda: Maisie, I can’t stand the smell of that dog anymore! PLEASE find another place for him to go!
Maisie: You sure? Can’t it wait until Charlie gets home?
Grizelda: Well, speaking of that, here he comes! (Charlie is seen in his robes) And why are you wearing those hideous robes?
Charlie: Stupid Manfred forced me to wear these robes!
Grizelda: Oh, so you got a part in the play, hmmm??? (Charlie scoffs)
Charlie: Leave me alone! (he storms off to his room)
Grizelda: Charlie? Come back here, young man! Maisie has a family emergency and you need to find your friend’s dog another place to stay! He’s messing up the house!
Charlie: Good for you!
Maisie: I’ll call up the Pet’s Cafe and see if they’ll be willing to take him.
Grizelda: Good idea.
Charlie: (to himself) Stupid Manfred, stupid robes, stupid play, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!!! (bumps into Dorcas and Asa)
Asa: Do you know where you are?
Dorcas: This is Darkly Wynd. A very scary place. It is claimed that any strangers who wander in there are NEVER seen again.
Charlie: Good. So I can get lost in there and not have to worry about stupid Manfred or his stupid play!
Asa: Dude, have you been listening to screamo lately?
Charlie: SHUT UP!!!
Grizelda: You appear to be emo, Charlie. Let’s all hope Paton gets back here. It’s starting to get boring around here.
Charlie: Yeah. You’d be emo too, if you had to be in a play about vampires!
Grizelda: So this is what it’s all about, hmmm? Silly Charlie, whining is for kids! Let’s turn that frown upside down and sing!!!
Audience: OH NO!!!!
Grizelda: (singing) Pack all your troubles in an old suitcase and smile, smile, smile! Then dump that old bag in a garbage can and smile, smile, smile! Smile, my dear boy, what’s the point of that frown? Wipe that old frown off your face and smile, smile, smile!!!
Charlie: That does it! I’m moving to Forks! I canNOT work like this!
Mr. Boldova: Well, I have a bit of the story I was told…(pulls out a guitar and sings) Once upon a time long ago, a girl was born and her name was Yolanda. She had the power to trade up shapes and become people we don’t know…
Charlie: You mean…Belle is…Yolanda? (The song comes to a screeching halt)
Mr. Boldova: Yup. She’s had it in for me since our family’s non-stop party began in 1935 and she never got invited. Not to mention today’s Euro-technopop is disturbing to her and she can’t get a good night’s sleep. Also, check this out: (he makes a rock sparkle)
Gabriel: What the FARF??? You’re related to Edward Cullen?
Mr. Boldova: Not really, but my family is distantly related to Carlisle Cullen. Is that what you wanted to hear?
Mr. Boldova: Ok, I’ll call him up and have him meet you guys. And also, ix-nay on the mention of my true name. We don’t want any wandering ears, now do we?
(Billy’s birthday party)
Cook, Dr. Bloor, Ezekiel, Manfred, & Mr. Boldova: Happy birthday Dear Billy, happy birthday to you! (Billy blows out 8 candles. Everyone cheers)
Ezekiel: Yay! Billy Raven is now 8 years old!
Cook: They grow up so fast…
Dr. Bloor: Enough with the sentiments, now let’s eat! (Weedon shows up)
Weedon: Bad news, everyone: Blessed lost his tail!
Ezekiel: Waaaaaaaahhhhhh! The snake got him!
Ezekiel: Yes! There is a snake that can hurt you! You touch it, it turns you invisible!!! Don’t touch it!
Weedon: Screwy old man! (Looks at the table) Darn! I just realized we were out of whipped cream!
Mr. Boldova: I’ll find some!
Ezekiel: Be careful, Boldova! There’s a snake here! Touch him and he’ll turn you invisible! Mr. Boldova: Like that’ll ever happen!
(Mr. Boldova disappears)
Mr. Boldova: Ok, now I know Mrs. Weedon said she brought some whipped cream into the pantry, but which one? (An old witch is behind him) And why are you here?
Yolanda: Hello, Samuel Sparks.
Mr. Boldova: Ahhh. Yolanda! Here to crash another party, eh? You’ll never get invited!
Billy: (watching everything) Holy schnap-noodle! Belle’s a witch! Charlie is in grave danger!
Mr. Boldova: Now here’s what I can do! (Throws sparkling rocks at Yolanda)
Yolanda: You little minx!!! I’m going to make you pay!
Mr. Boldova: Ok,
bitch, where’s my brother?
Yolanda: I’ll take you to your brother all right…(she snatches him and forces him into her car)
(Back at the party)
Weedon: Boldova’s sure taking a long time getting that whipped cream!
Dr. Bloor: Well, your wife did say she put it into the pantry…(Billy rushes in) And where have you been?
Billy: YAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! HORROR OF UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS!!! SOMETHING BAD HAS HAPPENED!!!
Cook, Dr. Bloor, Ezekiel, Manfred, & Weedon: What is it?
Billy: MR. BOLDOVA HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!!! (Pandemonium breaks out)
Ezekiel: Gaaaaaaahhhhhh! The snake got him!!!
Manfred: Emma Tolly is going to have my head for breakfast!!!
Billy: And Belle’s a witch!
Dr. Bloor: This is serious! Evil has surfaced! We must warn everyone that there’s a snake and a witch in the school!
Billy: hey everyone listen up / can I have your attention please? / You better not ignore this warning / I just found out this morning / that a snake and a witch are attacking Bloor’s! / If you see a blue blob or an old lady in the halls / you better not take any chances / under NO circumstances should you approach them, or else they will… / Turn your capes into the wrong colors, / make all TVs show only Disney, / and freeze up all the water in the pool!
Dr. Bloor & Weedon: they’re gonna rip your face right off your skull / and make your iPods only play
Miley Cyrus and Jonas Brothers / they’ll send you naughty texts while you’re in class / and they’ll Facebook you every hour, ON the hour!!!
Manfred: And if they get you, you’re gonna wish you were killed in
Deathly Hallows, / so before Ezekiel finds out you like to read tabloids about him wearing a Speedo…
Billy: turn the other cheek and start running down the halls / get out of the school and run straight home. / Lock up all your doors and board your windows too/ then toss out anything you might be wearing when you saw them…
(Ok, due to this crappy rendition of Virus Alert, I had to knock off 97% of the book. Moving along now…)
Paton: Well, on my vacation, things got kind of…boring.
Charlie: Like how?
Yorath: Waaaaahhhh! Nobody visits me anymore! Why can’t I die???
Paton: Oh do quit whining, great-grandpa! I’m here!
Yorath: You shouldn’t be! You should hate all of us for your mother’s death!
Paton: Ok, I’m not about to go through that again!
Yorath: And I know my little girl’s out there causing trouble…again! You better keep her in line or I’m gonna get you!
—Back in Paton’s room—
Paton: Yorath Yewbeam. What a whiny jerk. Gaaaaahhhhh!
Charlie: And Yolanda’s here causing trouble.
Paton: Darn! And I have no powers to stop her! Aaaaarrrggghhh!!! Don’t let her get you!
Billy: (singing again) Yolanda’s causing trouble / what do we do now? / How do we stop an old witch and get our teacher back? / She thinks she’s the best / but what she doesn’t know is that we have the power!
Manfred: All right, AGAIN!!!
Charlie: (to Olivia) If I gotta be a jerk one more time, I’m gonna kill myself!
Manfred: I heard that, Bone! Now recite your lines!
Charlie: Fine! (Reciting his lines) Hah! I can see your resistance is strong! But there are ways of making you talk…Janie?
Belle: (as Jane) I zap thee!
Zelda: (as Bree) Eeeeeeekkkkk!!!!
Charlie: (as Alec) Will you join us?
Zelda: (as Bree) Fine!
Charlie: You gotta help Uncle Paton! He’s lost all his powers! And without them, we’re sunk!
Skarpo: Hah! I have something that’ll help you: go into a garden and find a gray flower with orange leaves. That’ll cure him in no time! Now, off I go!
Charlie: Ok, this is stupid. Why am I going into Aunt Eustacia’s garden? (Spots plant) Gotcha!
Eustacia: Gotcha, Charlie Bone!
Charlie: YAAAAAAHHHHH!!! (He runs out the garden)
Eustacia: Charlie? You stupid boy! If you wanted some vervain, all you had to do was ask!
Charlie: Here, Uncle Paton. I made you some tea.
Paton: Thanks. (Drinks tea) Whoa! I feel ten years younger!
Grizelda: Paton? Is that you?
Paton: Hah! You know it, sis!
Grizelda: You haven’t called me that in years. EEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!! (Runs out of the room)
Amy: Good riddance!
Charlie: So, what’s the big plan regarding Ollie?
Lysander: Cue music from “Mission Impossible” and movie sequence: (movie screen turns on and music plays) Ok, here’s what we do: we find the snake and cure him. Then we sneak the snake out of Bloors.
Billy: (to snake) So let me get this straight: you were the King’s pet and then Borlath messed you up and Guanhamara tried to save you and her daughters stuck you in a jar and Ezekiel revived you?
Billy: And now you’re cured and no one will ever hurt you again.
Snake: Thank you.
Billy: Wow! I’m a parselmouth!
Gabriel: Yeah! Let’s go rub it in Harry Potter’s face!
Lysander: At the same time, we find Ollie and sneak him out of Bloors while he’s still invisible. Then we use the snake to heal Ollie and then we take Ollie home.
Charlie: Ollie, look at what I got!
Ollie: Oh boy! Jam! (Eats jam)
Emma: C’mon, Ollie. We’ll take you to my aunt’s house!
—After the mini movie ends—
Emma: That seemed kind of fast. It’s like we did all these things when Lysander was telling them.
Lysander: Well, that was kind of the point, Em.
Tancred: So after that, we still have to do the boring school play, and I hate it already!
Ollie: I’M FREE!!! (Dances around the Pet’s Cafe)
Dr. Bloor: (sees everything) 1 down and 1 to go! I hope these kids succeed so that I can see the play! This is getting ridiculous!
Yolanda: Uuuuuggggghhhhh!!! Those brats ruined my plans!
Venetia: Awww quit whining, auntie! It’s not over until the fat lady sings! And when I say sing, I mean I made this costume to make Charlie Bone get all his lines right for the play!
Yolanda: Good! I’m tired of that little brat not liking the play!
Emma: Aaaaaahhhhh! I’m never going to get this belt done in time!
Dorcas: I’ll do it!
Emma: You’re unusually nice today, Dorc.
Dorcas: Yeah. Belle left the school and I got drafted to play Jane. Now I have to act besides Charlie Bone and you and I both know he hates plays.
Emma: Good. I’m just glad I don’t have to play her. Jane scares the crap outta me!
Maisie: I’m back!
Paton: So, how did things go?
Charlie: You missed a lot of good stuff.
Maisie: All in good time. Now hear this…(Amy shows up) My sister Doris drew up this family tree while she was on her deathbed, and guess what? We came from a wizard’s family!
Paton: I don’t believe it!
Charlie: I can’t wait until Grandma hears this!
Grizelda: I already have.
Emma: And the belt is done! Yay! Now to get my outfit ready for opening night…(she leaves and Julia shows up)
Julia: What a nice belt! (She tries it on and starts choking) EMMA!!!
Grizelda: A wizard, eh? Let’s all hope you’re not related to that Harry Potter. That man is quite an idiot…(Emma rushes in)
Emma: Help! My aunt put a belt on and she’s choking to death! (Everyone screams)
Paton: Let’s go! (Hey, Charlie, and Emma rush to the bookstore, where Charlie zaps the belt and it unbuckles)
Julia: What happened?
Paton: We saved your life. You nearly killed yourself all in the name of American fashion.
Paton: I now have a score to settle. Come, Charlie!
(The final reckoning)
Yolanda: Hello, Paton! I knew you’d be here!
Paton: You caused a whole lot of crap for me, Yolanda! You killed my mom and you tried to kill my girlfriend! You’re out of control!
Yolanda: Awww boo-hoo Paton! You should work for ME!
Paton: In your dreams, witch! Your father told me to put you in your place! And this is it!!! (He zaps Yolanda and she melts. Venetia comes in)
Venetia: What did you do, Paton?
Paton: About time I put her in her place!
Venetia: But the fat lady hasn’t sang yet!
Matthew: No, but I have!
Venetia: Matthew! I should have known you were behind this! I’m gonna mess you up!
Matthew: I assure that you will regret saying that!
Charlie: (holding a blowtorch) Hey, mess THIS up! (He aims the blowtorch at Matthew and he catches on fire. He runs around the house and jumps out the window)
Venetia: Charlie! You saved our lives! I knew the fat lady would sing…EVENTUALLY!!!
Paton: I hate to break up this Dr. Phil moment, but THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!!!
Venetia: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! (Snatches Charlie and runs. Paton follows her)
Charlie: Yeah, about that…if anyone asks, let’s all agree to lie. OK?
Venetia: Well, your grandma won’t like it if I allowed an 10-year-old boy to use a blowtorch.
Grizelda: Why wouldn’t I? Even if he partially burned down your house and sent that Matthew McGuire packing! (Mr. Boldova rushes towards them)
Mr. Boldova: All right, you witches! I had to put up with your crap! I demand compensation!
Charlie: Uh, yeah. We found your brother, Mr. Boldova. He’s right over there! (Everyone cheers as they watch the two brothers reunite. Grizelda stares at Matthew)
Grizelda: So, you tried to mess my grandson up??? I’ll show you!!! (She pounces on Matthew and beats him up)
(Ollie Goes Home)
Ollie: Yay! I’m so glad to be home! Let’s party! (everyone shows up at the longest-lasting party) Say, Charlie, whatever happened to Billy?
Charlie: Yeah…he’s stuck at Bloor’s. Poor kid…
Ezekiel: Now that there are no snakes or witches for us to deal with…PILLOW FIGHT!!! (he and Billy attack Manfred with Hello Kitty pillows)
Manfred: This can’t be happening!!!
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