Ezekiel: Hey Manny, look at what I can do…build a horse! Yay!
Manfred: That’s nice, Grandpa. But when can I go to college?
Ezekiel: Soon, Manny.
Manfred: (sneezes) Geez, Grandpa! When’s the last time you actually cleaned up this place?
Grizelda: Hurry up, Charles! You’re gonna miss the bus to school! (to Maisie) Venetia‘s been a wreck since Matthew McGuire burned down her house.
Maisie: The poor dear.
Grizelda: So if she offers you, Amy, Paton, or Charlie anything, you say NO!
Grizelda: It could be laced with poison, and you don’t want that, do you?
Charlie: Olivia, what happened to you?
Olivia: I’m auditioning for the role of Melody Midnightcaster in the vampire drama “Mystic Dreams“, which is based off the novel The Rose Vine in the Churchyard written by Cinnamon Brown Duvall.
Charlie: WHAT??? ANOTHER VAMPIRE MOVIE??? I HATE VAMPIRES!!! THEY’RE PATHETIC!!!
Manfred: Detention, Charlie Bone! You will write “I will not hate vampires” 100 times!
Charlie: But Manny…
Manfred: No buts this time, Charlie! And when you are done with your lines, meet me in my office. We’re going to have a chat about your behavior.
Fidelio: You OK, Gabe?
Gabriel: No. Mr. Pilgrim went on vacation. I had to meet the new music teacher. He’s crazy.
Charlie: I’m sorry to hear that. Let’s hope he’s not captured by Dracula and taken to Transylvania.
Manfred: I heard that, Charlie!
Billy: You’ll never guess what I saw!
All: What did you see?
Billy: A horse!
Charlie: Did anyone hear something? (A horse is spotted) RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
Charlie: Disappearing teachers, horses appearing out of nowhere, sounds like a bad fantasy story…(Manfred spots him)
Manfred: I hope you have plans to finish your lines.
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Manfred: And by the way, let’s meet in a room behind the bookcase.
Charlie: You’re saying that like we were secret lovers!
Manfred: For you, Charlie Bone, I could be.
Joshua: Hi, everyone! I’m Joshua Tilpin!
Charlie: We can see that. You have stuff stuck on you.
Joshua: I know. (Pulls everyone into a group hug) We’re gonna be best friends!
Tancred: Something tells me I shouldn’t befriend this guy.
Lysander: I’m with you there, Tanc.
Ezekiel: Billy Raven, I am sorry I never got you new parents. But that’s OK, because these two people here have decided to adopt you!
Florence: He’s exactly as you described him, Ezekiel. A cute little boy.
Usher: Of course. (Pulls out contract) Now sign your name on the dotted line.
Billy: Hold on a sec! I never sign a contract without a lawyer present!
Usher: You have a lawyer?
Billy: People these days have lawyers. And here’s mine. (Paton shows up in a suit)
Paton: Hello, everyone. I’m Billy’s lawyer. And yes, I’m wearing a suit. Any problems?
Ezekiel: How did you become a lawyer?
Paton: I got my law degree online. And besides, I figured it would be better if I was a lawyer; speed up the research process. May I see that contract? (Reads contract)
Dr. Bloor: Is everything in order?
Paton: Every contract has a loophole. Luckily, I don’t see one here. It’s in order. (Gives contract to Billy)
Billy: Well, if you insist…(signs contract)
Usher: Done! At least we won’t have to worry about those blasted adoption agencies anymore!
Billy: I can’t wait to tell everyone! I get a family!
Ezekiel: (after Usher, Florence, & Billy leave) It’s not gonna last, Paton. You just watch…
Olivia: (crying her eyes out)
Emma: What happened?
Fidelio: Did you get the part?
Olivia: No! I didn’t get the part! Some cute little 8-year-old girl named Hannah Wade got the part. It’s not fair!
Charlie: I’m sorry to hear that.
Olivia: I know! Why would they hire a girl who had never even acted a day in her life when I had been on stage since I was 2 years old? (She begins crying again. Students start gossiping about Olivia’s misfortune)
Charlie: And I thought I had problems!
Billy: Speaking of which, I heard you were making out with Manfred in his office last Saturday! It that true?
Charlie: UUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!! Who told you that lie? That’s it! I’m kicking their butts!
Olivia: This sucks! I wish I could make my mom happy. I hate it when she’s upset.
Charlie: Get her some flowers. There’s a shop down there.
Olivia: Sure. (They go to the store. A woman is there)
Alice: Hello, kids. I’m Alice Angel. Would you like some flowers?
Olivia: Just a few lilies will do. (Takes lilies) My mom loves lilies.
Alice: I see. Here, have some apples, Charlie, Olivia.
Charlie & Olivia: How did she know our names???
Billy: (flipping channels) Lame…lame…boring…pathetic…isn’t there anything good to watch on TV???
Clawdia (the cat): You can talk to me.
Billy: Good. I hate TV anyway. (Turns off TV) So, what juicy stuff you gotta tell me?
Clawdia: More than you want to know.
Paton: I got a book for you to read, Charlie!
Charlie: Is it good?
Paton: If it sucked, why would I tell you about it? You’ll love the Book of Amadis. It’ll help you understand your friend Billy’s story a little better.
Charlie: Uncle Paton, are you gonna marry Miss Ingledew?
Paton: Since when did the conversation go from learning about Amadis to my love life?
Charlie: Don’t even get me started on mine!
Manfred: I have got to keep these meetings between myself and Charlie discreet; someone’s bound to notice something…(trips over Charlie’s wand) AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!! Blasted
Harry Potter replica! Prepare to die!! (Chucks wand into the fire)
Charlie: (in bed) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!
Manfred: Crap! That wand really was authentic! Oh crap, Charlie’s gonna hate me!!!
Olivia: (peeling apples) C’mon apple, why can’t your peel come off?
Mrs. Vertigo: Olivia, what’s wrong?
Olivia: Mom, these apples won’t peel no matter what I try. I also effed up at the audition.
Mrs. Vertigo: Don’t feel too bad, Livvy. I messed up too when I first auditioned. You’ll get another chance.
Olivia: I hope so. I hope you like the flowers.
Mrs. Vertigo: Of course. I love white flowers.
Olivia: I got them from a flower seller named Alice Angel.
Mrs. Vertigo: Now why do I recall that name?
Billy: Hey Char, how’s your “not-affair” with Manfred going?
Charlie: Ha-ha, very mature, Bill.
Billy: Hey, wanna hear what goes on in my house?
Billy: Well, as we all know…(he gets stomach cramps) Aaaaaahhhh! Help me!!!
Matron: Oh, Billy, what did you eat for breakfast this morning?
Tantalus Ebony: And now for something completely different…
Emma: Well, any history about our family? You mean the Children of the Red King.
Tantalus Ebony: Of course, Miss Tooly.
Emma: It’s Tolly! Rhymes with Molly.
Tantalus Ebony: You’re a weird girl. (Emma starts crying, other students look at her with concern)
Charlie: Hey, don’t pick on her! You’re a silly person!
Tantalus Ebony: Have you seen any flying insects around your house, Chuckie?
Charlie: How dare you refer to me by the name of that scary doll! Everyone in this room is now officially an idiot for having heard that crap! I hope God has mercy on your soul!
Tantalus Ebony: I think you have just earned yourself a detention with Manfred Bloor, young man!
Emma: You monster!!! I hope you rot in Hell!!!
Manfred: I’m sorry for Mr. Ebony’s behavior, Charlie. He’s not used to being a teacher. Want me to make it all better?
Charlie: Why does everybody hate me?
Manfred: We don’t hate you, Charlie. In fact, I’ll impress you by saying that my grandpa created a horse with a warrior’s heart. It’s gonna make you really happy.
Charlie: I hope so.
Christopher: Hello, Paton, I’m glad you’ve come to visit me. So this must be Charlie.
Christopher: I’m sort of Billy’s guardian when his family died. I need you guys to help me reclaim him so I can take him home.
Emma: Sure, we’ll help you.
Charlie: We gotta get him out of his house first.
Paton: Of course. There was a loophole in the contract, which stipulates that if Billy leaves the house, the contract is null and void.
Christopher: I can’t wait to see him!
Emma: Olivia is so upset.
Lysander: I don’t blame her.
Emma: By the way, here’s my new duck, Nancy. I named her after my mom.
Charlie: Hey guys. Wanna go visit Billy? He seems lonely.
All: Sure! (They go to the Passing House)
Usher: I’m sorry, but Billy’s busy with chores. I’ll let him know you stopped by. (Runner Bean growls at him) Oh my, a dog!
Charlie: Don’t worry, he’s friendly!
Usher: I wish it were the truth!
Billy: (watching the events) Now what?
Clawdia: Loophole. If you leave, the contract is null.
Billy: I should start packing.
Clawdia: Yes, you should.
Billy: Well, I knew it was too good to be true. Goodbye, Clawdia. I’ll miss you.
Clawdia: I’ll miss you too, Billy.
Billy: Right. Cue “Mission Impossible Theme Song“! (The song plays as Billy grabs a bag and leaves)
Usher: He ran away! The contract is voided!
(Storm brews outside)
Charlie: So you ran out.
Billy: Yeah. Next time, I’ll check the fine print BEFORE I sign a contract.
Lysander: Right. Now cue exciting battle music; my ancestors are gonna kill those oaths!
Tancred: Finally, some action!!!
Gabriel: I’ll get my video camera! This goes straight to YouTube!
(One exciting battle later…)
Tancred: Let’s get you guys outta here…(a horse rushes towards them)
Charlie: NO!!! NO!!! DON’T HURT ME, PLEASE!!!!
Billy: WAIT!!! She’s the Queen!
Charlie & Tancred: The Queen???
Billy: Yes. She’s here to help us. She knows our sad stories. And look, Char, she brought you a moth.
Charlie: A moth? I like that!
Tancred: Now go! (Watches as Charlie & Billy leave with Queen Berenice)
Ezekiel: WHAT??? I BUILT THE QUEEN???
Manfred: I was gonna tell Charlie that.
Ezekiel: Well, that is quite an accomplishment we made. Now, we must deal with the fact that once again, I have failed to find Billy Raven a decent family.
Dr. Bloor: Now would be the right time to recall that Crowquill guy.
Ezekiel: Right. Weedon! (Weedon shows up) Fetch Mr. Crowquill. We need to discuss a deal with him.
Joshua: Hey Tanc, wanna hang out with me?
Tancred: As long as you behave yourself.
Lysander: We’ll be watching you. No funny crap.
Emma: We’re gonna be on you like ice on cream!
Billy: We’re safe, Charlie! Now, on to the Castle of Mirrors!
Charlie: I’ve found a boat. Let’s go! (They ride in the boat for several hours until a castle looms over them) Hey, that’s not the Castle of Mirrors!
Billy: Uh oh! You mean…
Charlie & Billy: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! We’re at Hogwarts!!!!!
Gabriel: Man, what an exciting week we’re having! Missing people, Charlie and Billy disappearing, and my YouTube video is a hit! What can possibly go wrong? (Spots cape) Oh cool! A
Harry Potter cape! Let me try it on! (Reaches for cape)
Dorcas: Hey, I wouldn’t do that if I were you!
Gabriel: Shut up, you stupid girl!
Dorcas: What gives you the right to talk to me like that? Is it because I’m a woman? Is it because you’re sexist? What are you, Sexist? Sexist McSexist-Pants?
Gabriel: Shut up and make me a sandwich, woman! (he puts on cape, screams and faints)
Dorcas: I knew no good would come from that crappy Harry Potter crap! HELP!!! SOMEBODY!!! WE’VE GOT A MAN DOWN!!!!
Charlie: This is freaking great! We’re effing LOST!!! And it’s not that island on TV either!!! (Hagrid sees them)
Hagrid: Can I help you boys?
Billy: You can help by getting us out of here.
Hagrid: But don’t you boys want to see the school? It’s a great school and…
Billy: Shut the
Charlie: Yeah! You suck and that dumbass Harry Pothead is an idiot! I’m Charlie Bone and this is Billy Raven! We’re the Children of the Red King and we can kick your silly wizards’ asses anytime and anywhere!
Jacquel: Well, if you want, I’ll take you home on the Hogwarts Express…
Billy: Yeah! We get to go on a train ride!
Charlie: So tell that Harry Failure that he can kiss the fattest part of our asses! (Boards train)
(In Charlie’s dreams)
Charlie: Hello? Anyone home? (he sees a man, a woman, and a child sitting) Hello, I’m Charlie Bone. I’m kind of lost.
Amoret: You? You’re not safe. Go back to where you came from!
Charlie: But I have so many questions and…(Amoret disappears) HELP!! SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!
Mr. Tuccini: Wake up, Charlie!!!
Charlie: What happened?
Mr. Tuccini: You had a very bad nightmare. But it’s over now. I broke the Wall of History to save you.
Charlie: So, that trip to Hogwarts and the girl who helped us escape…was I dreaming?
Billy: No. It was real. Now let’s go, your uncle must be worried sick.
Paton: Charlie!! I’m so glad to see you!
Charlie: How did you know I was…
Paton: A strange girl told me she had to rescue you from an evil castle. You ended up in the Castle of Mirrors and now you’re here.
Charlie: Well, I found an musician and…
Paton: He’s not your father, Char.
Paton: Don’t be upset, Char. We’re so close to finding out what happened to him; I can feel it! (Billy and Christopher hug)
Billy: Yay! We’re a family again!
Christopher: Well, I’ll have to cut a deal with those Bloors first.
Charlie: Well, I assume everything in Bloor’s is going well?
Paton: I hope. (just then, Tantalus Ebony shows up)
Tantalus Ebony: Hello, Paton, I’m here to kidnap you! Hehehehe!
Christopher: You’ll have to get past me first! (pounces on Tantalus Ebony and they tumble into the water)
Paton: Great! Now I should have gone with him when I had the chance!
Emma: Charlie! Thank goodness you’re back! We all heard you went to Hogwarts and cursed out Harry Potter!
Lysander: And a Harry Potter cape sent Gabe into the ER!
Charlie: What have I done? (starts crying) Why can’t anything I do go right?
Olivia: Well, maybe I can help.
Emma: Like doing what?
Olivia: Something with these unpeeling apples.
Alice: I can help you, Olivia. You have a unique gift.
Emma: Like what?
Olivia: Well…what is my gift?
Alice: Years earlier, I went to a baby’s party. Olivia had been that baby. I heard from a priest that Olivia had a gift and would receive it on her 13th birthday.
Olivia: A special gift?
Charlie: You must be endowed!
Olivia: Yeah! I am endowed! No one will ever know!
Manfred: Well kids, we’re having a rather tough first start, but things will get better…and Charlie, I need to speak to you after class.
Olivia: Well, we’ll fix him yet!
Tancred: Hey, you guys see anything? (sees a huge spider on Joshua’s head) AAAAAAAHHHHH!!! SPIDER!!!!! (runs around the room screaming his head off)
Manfred: Tancred, what in the…SPIDER!!!!
Various students: SPIDER!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! (everyone flees from the room)
Olivia: Phase 2 commences right about…(Paton shows up) NOW!!!
Ezekiel: And why are you here, Paton Yewbeam? Where is that Crowquill guy?
Paton: I’m speaking on his behalf of the deal he wanted to make with you. Honor his deal, or else!
Dr. Bloor: Or else what? (A warrior is spotted) OK, OK!!! I’ll do whatever you want!!! Billy Raven can hang out with his friends! Happy now?
Paton: You bet! Now, it’s game over for you!
Gabriel: Darn! I can’t believe I missed you telling that Harry Potter off!
Charlie: I know! I think I crushed his inflated ego! What do you guys think?
Fidelio: I think it’s great!
Billy: Yup. He won’t be showing his face for a long time! (several kids show up)
Kid #1: Hey, you’re the kid who cursed out Harry Potter!
Charlie: Yeah. His story fails, and I can’t believe you would like someone who’s a total loser!
Kid #2: You hate Harry Potter?
Billy: You’re pathetic!
Kid #1: GET THEM!!! (Charlie, Billy, Fidelio, and Gabriel run as the kids chase after them)
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