Image via WikipediaBenjamin: Yay! We’re home! I can’t wait to tell Charlie!
Tancred: (to cats) You want me to create a storm? Ok. (creates storm)
Charlie: Man, I feel angsty and pubescent today and I hate my life! I’m taking it out on everyone I care about!
Griselda: Darn. He’s feeling his age.
Maisie: I know. It always starts with the angst.
Billy: Charlie, I got a message from the flames!
Charlie: What did they say?
Charlie: Hmmm, we better watch our backs then. Can’t have anyone harking up behind us!
Benjamin: I’m home! Where’s Runner Bean?
Mr. Onimous: He ran off.
Emma: My duck is gone!
Emma: My duck is gone!
Charlie: Well, this is great! All the animals are gone! But why?
Naren: I can take you to the animals.
Charlie: You must be kidding.
Naren: I know where they are.
Charlie: Do you take me for an idiot who would jump at the chance and search for trouble?
Manfred: Dang, you’re all gloomy.
Emma: I lost my duck.
Manfred: Well, your story is sadder than mine…all my Hello Kitty stuff is gone!
Joshua: Hey, turn those frowns upside down! I’ve got a song for you! (sings) all the animals in the city are gone… / and everyone’s all forlorn / well you had a bad day / your all losers / shouldn’t have bad-mouthed Harry Potter…(students cover their ears and scream. Ezekiel screams until his neck bleeds and he faints)
Charlie: Joshua, you idiot! You’ve gone and done it now!
Olivia: Ezekiel burst a blood vessel!
Manfred: And if he dies, you’ll be expelled!
Charlie: Man, this is interesting! Disappearing pets, everyone’s all edgy, strange girls in yellow coats are stalking me? What’s next?
Manfred: Charlie Bone, you never hang out with me anymore!
Charlie: I’ve been busy.
Manfred: And next, you’ll be disappearing like your father…
Charlie: Manny, I’m not him!
Manfred: Prove it!
Charlie: I will!
Emma: Is it just me or are they having a lover’s quarrel?
Naren: Charlie, you must come with me.
Charlie: I’m kind of involved with someone else…
Naren: It’s about the animals…
Charlie: Well, if you say so…
Bartholomew: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Charlie Bone. I knew your father, Lyell.
Charlie: You did?
Bartholomew: And I just happen to be the son of Ezekiel and the father of Harold. And Manfred’s grandfather.
Charlie: Oh fuddlebombs! He’s gonna find out I’ve been involved with Manfred! I’m a dead man!
Joshua: Oh Charlie, I hate you!
Dorcas: Joshua’s been lusting after you for 2 years now.
Charlie: But I’m dating Manfred!
Alfred: You’re a homo!
Albert: We don’t like homos!
Dorcas: Leave him alone! It’s not like he asked for your permission to date Manfred anyway!
Paton: We’ve got a feast to remember!
Maisie: Let me taste something…(bites prawns and freezes)
Paton: Darn! Somebody must have rigged them to try to knock me out! But Maisie is their unfortunate victim.
Griselda: I’ll call a doctor. Meanwhile, stick her in the tub and keep the temperature cold. We don’t want her to melt.
Charlie: OK, now why are you on my case about Manfred?
Asa: Are you dating him?
Dorcas: Charlie, don’t answer that question. Asa, stop being an idiot.
Inez & Idith: Tell us the truth, Charlie. Is he good in bed?
Charlie: Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! (he storms off)
Inez: Was it something I said?
Joshua: Oh Charlie, how could you reject me? We are meant to be!
Charlie: Oh shut up, you Ginny-wannabe! (slaps Joshua across his face. everyone laughs)
Joshua: You’re mean, Charlie! (starts crying. Miss Chrystal shows up)
Charlie: Mama’s boy.
Miss Chrystal: Charlie, how dare you reject Joshua!
Charlie: He’s a freaking stalker!
Miss Chrystal: You will apologize to him! (to Joshua) And as for you, young man, you know who we are. And we get what we want!
Amy: Hello, I’m Amy Bone and I need your help.
Amy: My mother’s been attacked and my son is being chased by a young boy he dislikes.
Hart: Don’t worry, I’ll help you…for a price.
Amy: Name it.
Hart: Will you go to the annual Bloor’s Ball with me?
Manfred: Too bad you got detention, Charlie.
Charlie: Yeah. Joshua’s being a little prick.
Manfred: Which brings me to my next question: will you go to the annual Bloor’s Ball with me?
(at the 100 Heads Dinner)
Wilfred Mathews: And here we are at the 30th annual 100 Heads Ball. I’m Wilfred Mathews reporting to you live on the Black Carpet, where the headmasters of over 100 schools are expected to make their appearance before this cheering crowd that is behind me, isn’t that right, Sophie?
Sophie McGinnis: (think of her as Joan Rivers in Charlie Bone) I see the people coming in, and the clothes are gorgeous! I see child stars Jasmine Skinner and Leroy Bentley coming this way, but what’s up with the rags? And who’s that I see? Why it’s Marcos Pineda and Victoria Simons, don’t they look great? Also making her way is Chelle Lang…wait, hold the phone, I’ve just received word that a famous celebrity is coming out…and it’s no one other than Jacquel Romanov! (crowd really goes wild as Jacquel steps out wearing a strapless mauve taffeta gown embroidered with peach diamonds and bedecked with silver braid)
Jacquel: Hello, Freadwardbobertmc’hammerhimesmitpolis!!! Can I get a wassup??? I’m glad to be here in this great city!!! (crowd cheers)
Announcer: Stay tuned for the live presentation of the Grand Ball after these commercials!
(watching the action unfold)
Tancred: Awwww, I hate those stupid ball shows!
Fidelio: You and me both, dude.
Gabriel: They always bore me to tears!
Lysander: Who wants to watch the Real Housewives of Xanynea?
Paton: No! Not until we see Charlie!
Emma: So do we really HAVE to watch this filth?
Olivia: Charlie goes to the ball without me? I’ll teach him a lesson soon enough!
(at the ball)
Charlie: (he is wearing a scarlet satin tunic embellished with gilt lace, and matching velvet pants) Dang this ball sucks! Over 1,000 mentions of everything else and not one mention of Bloor’s! How’s about you, Billy?
Billy: (he is wearing an orange satin tunic and kilt) This is so boring. I should have just stayed home.
Charlie: Yeah, but I got detention, plus I had to deal with a bunch of jealous girls. Aaarrrggghhhh! (they notice Miss Chrystal in a corner crying) Why are you crying?
Miss Chrystal: My life is not fair!
Charlie: Well, tell me. I promise I can make things right.
Miss Chrystal: You can’t, Charlie! You just can’t!
Charlie: Why not?
Miss Chrystal: Because 14 years ago, I was engaged to a man named Lyell Bone. But then stupid Lee Evans had to break up our engagement by implying that Lyell had been false and cheated on me with another girl and they ran off and got married. Then he himself knocks me up and tries to kill me. I then marry some other guy and we had Joshua.
Charlie: No wonder why Josh is chasing after me!
Miss Chrystal: Oh, it gets better.
Charlie: How does the story get better? You said it sucked!
Miss Chrystal: Josh is magnetic; he makes things stick to him. He can even bend your mind to his will! Last year, I found out that I was a descendant of Lilith, the Red King’s eldest daughter and her husband, Count Harken Badlock.
Charlie: I knew it!!!
Miss Chrystal: So that’s why you can’t fix this problem, Charlie…because I released the shadow from the painting! (dramatic chord)
Miss Chrystal: And next, I’m gonna mess Lyell up for breaking my heart and believing the lies of his friend over his true love!
Billy: Can’t you just mess up the other guy?
Miss Chrystal: Oh, but I already did. I burned down the house and killed him and his wife. His kids are now orphans and at my mercy! Hah! So little Charlie Bone, you’ve made a fine enemy! Now date my son or else!!!
Charlie: This is unfair! It’s like my love story is being played out like some…cheap gay version of Twilight!!!
Miss Chrystal: Well…yes. Yes it is. You are Bella, Manfred is Edward, and Josh is Jacob. So there you have it.
Charlie: I’m heading home. You’ve given me a lot to tell my mom.
Amy: Oh, Charlie, you look so handsome in your new outfit! Here, I want you to meet Mr. Hart Noble.
Charlie: OK, mom.
Hart: You appear to be a very likable young man, Charles. You and I will get along great!
Charlie: Yeah, I hope so.
Paton: So, how was the ball?
Charlie: Terrible! The music was boring, everyone was being weird, and Josh is a descendant from an evil count.
Fidelio: Oh, Charlie, that’s terrible!
Charlie: And worse, Josh declared his undying love for me!
Olivia: Ok, this is messed up.
Charlie: You got any pictures of my dad?
Amy: Just one. (gets picture) Be careful with it; Lyell told me to hold on to it until you were ready.
Charlie: So dad…knew?
Amy: I’m not one to talk, but yes.
Julia: (hears knocking at door) Hmmmm, I wonder who that could be. (opens door and sees Robbie Lee, Louise, David, Felix, and Molly Evans) Now, how did you guys get here?
Louise: Uh, some old lady freaked out when she saw some shadowy thing behind her.
Julia: Oh dear!
Felix: HARK! The Shadow! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!
Bartholomew: The Shadow wants my diaries! (brings out diaries) We can’t let him have them!
Paton: How about Charlie puts them somewhere where he can’t get to them.
Julia: Good idea.
Charlie: I need to know advanced sorcery in order to stop the Shadow.
Skarpo: Well, you need to know this: Harry Potter and his friends are after you.
Skarpo: But don’t worry about them; Harry is stupid and he needs to go down. And don’t worry about the books; the Shadow can’t come here.
Charlie: Shoot, looks like a battle happened here!
Emma: You bet it did! Harry Potter and his cronies tried to raid Bloors last night!
Charlie: No duh!
Manfred: And he messed up my face! I look worse than Prince Zuko on a good day!
Olivia: (quietly) Mind if I scare them off?
Charlie: Bad idea.
Paton: Girls we need to talk about Amy.
Lucretia: Why? I never gave birth to her.
Paton: She’s dating the Shadow.
Paton: And even worse, Harry Potter is going to steal her away!
Grizelda: Say it ain’t so, Paton!!!
Eustacia: What are we gonna do???
Paton: It’s not you who’s going to do something about it, it’ll be Charlie if we all play our cards right.
Grizelda: Oh no. If Charlie goes up against Harry Potter, he’s done for! He’ll be that boy’s slave to do what he wants. It’s over Paton. We’ve lost.
Paton: No. It is NOT over!!!
Charlie: Dang, you didn’t get caught, Liv.
Olivia: Yeah, I got lucky.
Manfred: Charlie, we never talk anymore. It makes me sad. And you know what I do when I’m sad?
Manfred: I…BURN THINGS!!! (sets hall on fire)
Students: Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! The roof is on fire!!!! Run for your lives!!!
Lysander: Ok, all systems go. Let’s cue everyone’s favorite theme song!
Tancred: (turns on radio and “Mission Impossible Theme Song” plays while a battle between the endowed and the Shadow takes place in the Vertigo house)
Charlie: Well, that was quite intense!
Gabriel: I’ll say!
Tancred: We’re gonna pay for that!
Olivia: Yeah, but first off, let’s kidnap that rich celebrity girl and hold her hostage until Harry Potter concedes.
Lysander: Good idea.
Miss Chrystal: Charlie, Josh has the mirror! You can get it back if you agree to date him!
Charlie: Date this! (he cracks the mirror)
Joshua: Oh Charlie, you’re horrible!!!
Charlie: Shut up!
Paton: What? You broke the mirror?
Charlie: They threatened me!
Paton: Yeah, silly Tilpins! But Charlie, I think we have a way to save your father, who’s at BLOOR’S!
Charlie: Good. let’s hear it!
Paton: (reads poem) Lure the girl away from her friends / find the ones who are lost and at their wits’ end / band together under the tree / the Red King will come and set them free!
Paton: It’s very simple. We must follow these instructions in order to beat the Shadow and save your father.
Jacquel: Hey, Uni, how about this: a pink ensemble of a scarf, nail polish, and lipstick! (her tiny pet unicorn neighs in approval. just then Lysander and Tancred show up dressed as cops) Can I help you, sirs?
Tancred: You’re under arrest for associating with a criminal.
Jacquel: What? I’m no criminal! I’ve never even committed a crime in my life!
Lysander: But your friendship with Harry Potter is indeed questionable. We’re taking you in. (they take Jacquel and her pet away)
Tancred: We got her, guys.
Gabriel: Good. Now it’s our turn. (he and Olivia approach Robbie)
Olivia: Robbie, would you like to see something unusual?
Gabriel: Charlie, we’re all set! See you tomorrow!
Emma: (in her bird form) Ok, now let’s see, find the Queen and I’ll find the tree, I mean King…(sees Mrs. Tilpin and Joshua) Crap!
Joshua: Hey, look, mom! It’s Hedwig! Let’s capture her and hold her ransom!
Miss Chrystal: Of course! Harry Potter would do anything to save his owl. But not his friend; shame on him. (Asa in his wolf form growls at him)
Joshua: Aaaaaahhhhh! A wolf! (just then more wolves show up)
Miss Chrystal: Let’s get outta here, Josh! They are way too many for us!! (they flee)
Emma: Hey, thanks a lot, Asa.
Asa: Sure, no prob, Em. (to wolves) Thanks a lot!
Jacob: Yeah. We’ll pay for that, right?
Amy: Oh Charlie, I’m getting married! Isn’t that exciting?
Charlie: And I have to fight a wizard and perhaps die…(he bursts into tears) Mom, you can’t get married! I’ll die!!
Amy: Cheer up, Charlie. I’m sure it’s just a big misunderstanding.
Paton: Don’t worry. She’ll be back to her old self soon.
Emma: So the King is sad because his kids ran away and never returned?
Queen: That’s right. bring your friends here tomorrow and we’ll set things right.
(the next day)
Jacquel: I don’t even know why I’m here; I haven’t even had the chance to pay for my new clothes yet!
Robbie: Same here. I came to see something weird.
Mr. Onimous: Is everyone ready?
Mr. Onimous: Follow me! (they all go into the tunnel)
(at the tree)
Charlie: Ok, we all line up and hold hands…(everyone surrounds the tree and Charlie counts to ten)
Billy: Darn! The spell isn’t working!
Mr. Onimous: I was so sure it said bring everyone who was lost and the girl…and you guys!
Charlie: And the rules say you have to be under twenty….
Mr. Onimous: Darn! Now how do we find a replacement at this hour? (Asa shows up)
Asa: Mind if I join?
Asa: Of course. I’m through pining over Manfred. And besides, you need me.
Mr. Onimous: Ok, guess we’re all set! (Charlie counts to ten–nothing happens!) What are we doing wrong????
Robbie: Well, first off, neither Louise, Dave, or I are endowed, but Felix and Molly are. Guess this means we’re out.
Mr. Onimous: Let’s do this again! (Charlie counts to ten. just then, something strange happens…)
(strange things happen)
Amy: What??? (looks at Hart) I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’ll work between us. I have a son.
Hart: Noooo!!! I can change! Really!!!
Maisie: Now how did end up in the tub? It’s freezing in here!!! Griselda, I hope that wasn’t you playing with the thermometer!!!
Ezekiel: Yay! Leaves! Let’s jump in the leaf pile!!! (everyone cheers and plays in the leaf pile) Aren’t you coming, Manny?
Manfred: I love my dignity.
Ezekiel: Oh well, your loss! Let’s have fun!!! (everyone joins in the biggest leaf pile the school has ever seen)
Jacquel: Hey…what the—I’m wearing PINK??? I HATE PINK!!! (all gasp) Just the color, not the singer. I guess I better go home and change.
Robbie: Hey, we’re back to normal! And Molly can walk and talk again!
(back at home)
Amy: What happened, you two?
Charlie: Mom! I thought I would never see you again!
Maisie: Something strange has happened.
Grizelda: You bet it did! Now, let’s have a family meal; we haven’t had those in a while!
Paton: Good news, everyone: we found Lyell! (everyone cheers)
Griselda: Well, where was he?
Paton: He never left Bloor’s. Charlie and Amy are gonna fetch him tonight and bring him home.
Griselda: This calls for a party! I’ll call the girls and Maisie can whip us up something to eat! It’ll be a celebration to remember!
Maisie: Yes, it will…if we succeed, that is.
Charlie: Just wait, we’ll be a complete family!
Amy: That we will. (they walk into the church, where Manfred is watching Lyell play the organ)
Manfred: Ok, I’m sorry I hypnotized your father and lied to you. But now he’s here.
Charlie: You’re not doing this just to score some points with me, right?
Manfred: Charlie, I love you. If I didn’t love you, would I have snuck your father out of Bloor’s and brought him here?
Amy: He has a point there, Char.
Charlie: Yeah. (Lyell stares at everyone) Hey, where’s that bottle I just had 5 minutes ago?
Harry: Oh my…looking for this??? (he holds up the bottle)
Manfred: You….prick!!! I should have known you were behind this!!!
Harry: Oh, please, Bloor! You think it’s easy being an orphan? No! I had to fight for my rights while other children had their parents! In fact, I finished off that grandfather and father of yours...
(15 minutes before…)
Ezekiel: Hey, little boy! Play in the leaves with us!
Harry: No. I’ve come to destroy you!
Dr. Bloor: I want you to get the hell out of this place!
Harry: I’m sorry, I ran out of those this morning. All I can serve you is UNTIMELY DEATH!!! (zaps Dr. Bloor and he dies)
Ezekiel: Noooooo!!!! You murdered my grandson!!! You are a monster!!!
Harry: Don’t worry, you’ll be joining him…(zaps Ezekiel and he dies)
Ezekiel: I’m coming, Elizabeth!!!
Manfred: HOW COULD YOU!!!
Harry: Oh, come on now! I’m an orphan, you’re an orphan, and so will that little boy standing right next to you.
Manfred: I’M GONNA MURDER YOU!!!
Harry: Well, I’m gonna mess you up if you do.
Charlie: You…sick…BASTARD!!! (lunges at Harry and knocks him over. in the struggle, the bottle breaks)
Lyell: Hey, what in the world—
Charlie: Prepare to get your ass kicked, Harry Dumber!!!
Harry: No, you die!!! (just then the cats rescue Charlie and Jacquel zaps him, Ron and Hermione)
Manfred: Well, I thought he’d never shut up! Harry Killer, that’s what he should have been named.
Jacquel: Yeah. And I’d like to see you first thing in the morning. (she leaves)
Lyell: Hello, what’s this? (cuts his finger) Ouch! What the…(sees Amy and Charlie) Amy? Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah, dad. We’re here.
Amy: Lyell, it’s good to see you again! (they all hug)
Manfred: Ahem??? (Charlie stares at him)
Charlie: I love you, Manfred! (gives him a big hug)
Jenny Nimmo: Well, let’s say that the battle against the shadow didn’t end just yet. In the next story, a young boy named Dagbert Endless had the power to drown people showed up at Bloor’s and he and Tancred got into a fight that ended not-so-well. Also, Venetia got married and her stepson was not what he seemed. There was also a huge battle where Lyell disguised himself as the Red Knight and slew Count Badlock and the villains were defeated. The End.
Manfred: Hey, wait a minute here! Whatever happened to the other books in the story?
Charlie: Yeah, about those…
Manfred: You do kind of realize that without Ezekiel in the story, it just wouldn’t work. So we’ll have to end it here.
Charlie: Yeah. Now what will we do?
Manfred: You do kind of realize that without Ezekiel in the story, it just wouldn’t work. So we’ll have to end it here.
Charlie: Yeah. Now what will we do?
Olivia: Let’s do a silly montage full of mature humor and put everyone in the book in awkward situations!
Asa: Give them what they want…HARD-CORE NAUGHTINESS!!!
(credits roll as embarrassing pictures of everyone in the Children of the Red King Series are displayed to the tune of KC & the Sunshine Band’s Shake Your Booty)